In fact, not only is it fully possible to explore your gender identity while in a relationship – it’s actually recommended. By removing that kind of introspection that is necessary to make you feel actualized, you run the risk of not being able to be your most complete, honest self in any relationship you have. And it’s a losing situation for you and any partners you might have, in any relationship structure. So how can you proceed with sexploration without jeopardizing your current monogamous union? Read on for expert advice.
Below, Experts Share 10 Strategies For Exploring Bisexual Monogamy
1. Talk with your partner
If your partner is unaware of your desire to explore your sexuality, loop it if you feel safe doing so. Not disclosing information to your partner can intensify the anxiety that he or she will react badly.
Beyond calming nerves, sharing with your partner can actually improve the intimacy and trust in your relationship, says Jesse Kahn, LCSW-R, CST, director and sex therapist at the Gender and sexuality therapy center At New York. “This could be an opportunity for both of you to have a larger conversation about desires, fantasies, and new ways of being sexual,” they say. And who knows? Maybe your partner is also interested in exploring their own sexuality.
2. Ask yourself how important it is for you to meet people of other genders.
To be clear, it’s entirely possible to explore your sexuality and assert your queerness in a monogamous relationship. “You certainly don’t have to go out and meet a group of people to explore your sexuality,” Kahn says. “You don’t have to have experiences with someone of any gender to confidently declare that you are bisexual, queer, or pansexual.”
“You don’t need to connect with a group of people to explore your sexuality. You don’t have to have experiences with a person of any gender to confidently declare that you are bisexual, queer, or pansexual. “- sex therapist Jesse Kahn, LCSW-R
But that doesn’t mean that you can’t if you want to: “If you want to have experiences with people of a different gender than your partner, that’s totally okay,” says Gabrielle Alexa Noel, bisexual lawyer, founder of Bi girls club, and author of the next book, How to live with the internet and not let it ruin your life. “It doesn’t make you selfish.” In this case, you need to be honest with your partner about your desires so that you can decide together whether or not you are going to open up or end your relationship.
3. Open your relationship
“If you and your partner mutually decide to open the relationship, it will be important to move forward at a pace of exploration that works for you both,” says Luna Matatas, sexuality educator and creator of Peg the patriarchy. “It means setting clear boundaries around emotional and physical safety, figuring out how and how often you’re going to check in, and coming up with a game plan to deal with the awkward moments and feelings that are going to arise.”
To help prepare you for the hardships of opening a previously closed partnership, she recommends hiring a queer inclusive couple therapist who specializes in non-monogamy. You can also read books together on open your relationship.
4. Learn more about LGBTQ + history
“Learn more about [LGBTQ+ history], is a great way to feel less alone and less isolated in your experience, ”says Matatas. “It can also help contextualize some of the shame, challenges, or discomfort you might experience in helping you understand the social situation in the story. [of LGBTQ+ people] and how it still shapes many of our beliefs today. “
For the bicurious people, Kahn recommends giving @bihistory follow up on Instagram. As the name of the account suggests, its “sole purpose is to educate people on the history of bisexuality, bi communities, and queer activism.” Other LGBTQ + story accounts to explore include: @blacklesbianarchives, @lesbianhistory, @h_e_r_s_t_o_r_y, @queerapalachia, and @LGBHistory.
If you prefer learning the book, check out We Are Everywhere: Protest, Power and Pride in Queer Liberation History, Queer: a graphic story, The Stonewall Reader, and Making gay history.
5. make queer friends
“Exploring queer community spaces in person and online, and making queer friends is another way to feel less alone in your nascent queerness,” says Kahn. Using inclusive platforms, like the dating app The ex– you will meet people who have had similar experiences to you, which can help you normalize how you are feeling. Whether you’re looking for a bisexual book group, a queer friend to play Catan with, or more LGBTQ + friends who work in your field, you can let other users know. You can also check out your local LGBTQ + center, if you have one, for a list of upcoming LGBTQ + events – whether digital or in person, if dating is a safe option for you.
6. Masturbate, masturbate and masturbate again
“Solo sex relieves all the pressures that can be associated with partner sex and gives you space to play with your fantasies,” says Matatas. If in doing this your mind wanders at the thought of you tasting your roommate at university? Go with it! If you start to dream of strapping on for your hot co-worker? Dream!
7. Flip on porn
From threesome and group sex, to strap-on sex and scissoring, Matatas recommends watching a wide variety of (paid) porn to see what intrigues you. “Enjoying queer porn doesn’t necessarily mean you’re queer,” says queer sex educator Andy Duran, director of education for Good vibes. “But it can tell you about certain sexual acts that you want to know more about.”
But, since porn is entertainment, not education, learning how to do sex acts that you see a safe and enjoyable option to try in your real life may require asking Google or a sex educator.
8. Don’t forget about non-visual porn
Since so much audio and written erotica is also created through women and non-binary people for women and non-binary people, the resulting content tends to focus on the whole pleasure experience above the climax.
“Journaling allows you to explore your queer sexuality and think about what that means to you,” Kahn says. They recommend the following log prompts:
- What does it feel when I say my identity out loud?
- What’s the first thing that comes to my mind when I say the word queer / bisexual / pansexual?
- Where in my body do I feel my weirdness the most?
- How can I express my quirk in my sex life with my current partner?
- How can I celebrate my quirk with my friends? And with my partner?
- What is it that still seems distant and unknowable to me about my sexuality?
- If so, why am I having trouble connecting with my sexuality? What are my roadblocks?
- How did “righteousness” manifest in my life before I started exploring my sexuality?
- How has forced heterosexuality influenced / influenced the way my partner (s) and I behave towards each other and to each other?
- In what ways does exploring my sexuality heal me?
10. Discover the chat rooms
If it’s within the confines of your relationship with your partner, Matatas suggests diving into the wonderful world of chat rooms. Of Chaturbate and Talk to strangers in Instagram and Twitter DMs, chatting with strangers “can allow you to talk and explore new sexual acts than what you’re exploring with your partner,” says Matatas. Just be careful about it making sure you don’t share any identifiable information with people on the other end.
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